What is it about the click of the keypad I find so…. satisfying? As if somehow my thoughts have more significance when there are in front of my eyes versus whirling in a soup in my busy brain?
I suppose the speed that I can type is a much more manageable speed to process my thoughts, than the speed my thoughts normally come: fast and furious, a whirling dervish of cerebral activity.
So, here I sit, and with every click and tap of the letters on my laptop and with every hit of the space bar, my thoughts are measured out… bit by bit. Portioned serving sizes of my meandering brain… that I can manage to consume without too much waste.
I have been saying (to myself) for quite some time now I am goin to pick up this blog again.
To write again.
To write more.
I love the outlet of laying my thoughts out. Seeing them in front of me. The sharing of myself… with the giant void of the internet. Hitting the “Publish” button, and WHOOSH… the sense of letting them go. (Ah… now that? Feels good.)
But I worry…. that when faced with the reality of recoding the gooey innards of my grey matter?… the words may possiblly end up being more cynical and negative than I would like.
I have a charming duality to my persona:
I love to see the best in others. Yet often see the worst in myself.
I hold on to hope of great and wonderful things. Yet fear the future will cruely deal harsh realities.
I love to laugh. But sometimes, with laughter still hanging in the air, doubt creeps in.
There is nothing that holds my heart more than the love I have for God, and his goodness. Yet there are days when the silence comes easier than prayers.
And what if… when given the opportunity to leave an imprint in words… they are not the hopeful, inspiring kind? What if they are the doubt-filled version? The cynical point of view? Of a sarcastic tone?
Would those words be as significant?
I know each point of our lives holds meaning. The doubt filled moments can bring as much clarity (eventually) as the ones that are happy.
So, if you promise to keep in mind my heart… I will promise to always deal honestly with my fantastically, wonderful struggle that is my joyous and peaceful, frustrating and overwhelming life.