There is a solitary green orb glowing out my window. My neighbor’s porch light. But everything else? Black.
The time change has my body pushed into a corner. I am sleepy at weird times and fully awake at equally weird times. Funny how a sixty minute change can cause such a ruckus.
I’ve never been much of a night owl. I always feel more at home in the morning. I prefer the beginning of the day to the end of it. The end of the day is for reflection and adjustment. The morning? Well, that is my blank page. And as someone who enjoys art and writing, well, that idea appeals to me more.
I have been wanting to return here for a while. But there are plenty of excuses. I work and commute over 50 hours a week. I am enrolled as a full time college student at my local community college. Then there is the house. And the four kids.
But I think what keeps me away most is the fear of what I might say to you, oh, internet void.
The last four years have been, well, my words would be inadequate.
I divorced my husband of 18 years. I started working again,full time for the first time since I had babies. I fell in love with an incredible man. I moved to a beautiful new state. I started a pretty amazing new job. I went back to work on getting my degree. Then, my heart was broke. And in all of this, I have watched my outlook change, saw my personality change, I saw my faith change.
There has been fluxes in hope. The moments where I had no hope have been more numerous than the moments where I felt that hope.I have watched my own unhealthy behaviors and ideas shape events around me that I cannot undo.And sometimes I have little hope I can create a better way for myself. Make better choices. Think better thoughts. My earnest prayer this year has been that my Heavenly Dad would revive hope in my heart once again. Hope in Him. And hope in me, his daughter, that I know he loves. The heartbeat of hope inside me is thready and weak. But I remind myself, it still beats, albeit quietly. I remind myself, it is still there.
There has been fluxes in faith. I have struggled to find my heavenly Dad in these events.Despite my love for him, I feel unloved. I have recently stumbled across this feeling. I have unpacked this idea and asked myself why I feel unloved by my creator. Even though my deepest faith tells me,without a doubt, he loves me. I know he does. But yet? I do not feel that warmth from him.I look inward, and I feel very little, I see no movement of him in my life and heart. I am holding steadfast in my belief that this is momentary.
I have concluded that I feel most loved by God through the people around me. And this time in my life, has been the loneliest I have ever known, so I am grasping at other ways to feel his love, and it has been difficult for me to locate that love.
I am grateful for the moments I catch a breath of him. Because, do not misunderstand, there are such moments. Where I recognize his face. See that familiar smile. And he winks at me. As if to say, “Just give it time,kiddo.”
And this is why I like the mornings. It is my daily dose of do over. My sunrise reset. Anything could happen today. And I holdout hope that anything might.