Funky

So, I’ve been finding myself in a funk lately.

It comes and goes. In waves. Sometimes the cycle is days. Sometimes moments. But, at this very moment? I am in it.

Up to my feverishly overworked mind.

I gots me a case of the feels.

That’s right, emotions.

I am, an “emotional person”. This title does not serve me well.

Someone whom I admire recently called me passionate. Intense. Overwhelming. I pointed out to them that these words are also synonyms for crazy. They weren’t calling me crazy (THIS time), but they were simply in awe of the capabilities of my emotional capacity.

Rarely, is such emotion sought after. I certainly am not happy with the tumultuous swells that my personality can undergo. And I think it’s safe to say, those around me could do with less of aforementioned swells. It wud be one thing if my emotions were simply heart and flowers. Ah no, sad to say that is not the case here, my dear internet void.

I can be dark. Yes, ma’am.

Frighteningly so.

One thought leads to another and leads to any other until I find myself lost in a thorny tangle of self doubt. Self hate. It is at that moment, that I realize I am caught there  the briars of my own self recognized weaknesses. And every movement I make to break free of this brambled prison? I feel the uncomfortable jab of those thorns.

So, here I sit, paralyzed and in pain.

Most people often confuse emotional with witless. But rest assured, it’s not always the case. I am acutely aware of my condition. I know. I realize. I know what I should have said. What I should have done. And I know what I need to do to get out. And further more I fully recognize I have all the capabilities to do so.

The concept of healthy behavior and healthy self love is fully grasped- it’s the execution that I find elusive.

Am I totally alone in this?

 

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